I recently saw this statement on an advertisement and it has stuck in my craw ever since. Being an advertisement for a buisness the assumption then would be that if you receive the services of said buisness, you too can be well. Elitist bullshit at its best and here is why:
1. Not everyone has insurance, has access to, or can afford to go to a doctor, therapist, chiropractor, etc.
2. Not everyone has the time, babysitter, money, or transportation to get to said appointments so that they can be "well."
3. Not everyone has access to healthy foods and/or supplements.
4. Not everyone can afford healthy foods and/or supplements.
5. Not everyone can pay out of pocket for alternative therapies.
6. Not everyone has the emotional support to make the choice for wellness.
7. Not everyone has been exposed to or has had positive experiences with doctors, therapists, etc.
8. Many people are just focused on survival that "wellness" isn't quite on the top of the priority list.
And on and on the list would go. The idea of choice is irritating to say the least. It works on a small scale, like when I tell my 4 year old he can chose to listen to his mama or he can chose to take a break. This choice is pretty straight forward I think but this just doesn't translate into the larger picture of life where someone's whole history has substantial influence on their "choices." We all grow up in different circumstances and unique experiences that shape us--for better or worse--and what I am saying I guess is that saying something is a choice is such a simplistic way to think about the world and I find it very frustrating. What do you think?
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Always in a Hurry
It is just in the last year that I figured out what an impatient person I am. When it finally dawned on me that this word describes me so fittingly, my husband looked surprised that I didn't already know this. I like things to be done. Everything in my head is a checklist that I want cleared of tasks. Being that life is one task after another, the insanity of trying to finish EVERYTHING is obviously irrational yet still I try day after day to catch up to myself somehow and just be done. When people talk about "the process" being full filling, my mind wanders. I would love it if the process was enjoyable and relaxing to me but I only feel relief when a project is finished, but then there is always another project and so the process starts all over. Sound stressful? It is. I am sure that this is all tied in with my anxiety, as I am a highly anxious person, or with the fact that I strive for constant order in my life as a way for dealing with the chaos that is in my head. I would diagnose this as 50/50 nature/nurture.
I oscillate between thinking that I must change this quality--it has led to some problems that I can detail later--and thinking that I should embrace this part of me and just accept who I am. Oh, to finally accept oneself, now that would be grand wouldn't it? It sounds so easy writing it here. Maybe tomorrow I will wake and decide today is the day I accept all of who I am. But then I think, well where is the growth as a human specimen, where is the admitting my faults and striving to be a better me? Where is the struggle that Oprah and all her guests seemed to discuss? And would that mean giving up going to therapy and my identity as a damaged person? What would be left? Oh, I shudder to think of an ultra-positive, chi balancing, chakra aligning, spiritual awakening, steel cut oat eating, running daily for fun, watching only PBS Teja walking around Iowa City. But I digress...
So, as promised, I will give a few examples of how this impatient quality causes problems in my life:
1. One year I was so impatient about just sending off my taxes (this was back when Brian didn't do mine) that I didn't make a copy for myself. And because of my impatience, I also made mistakes on my tax return and was later sent a letter asking for details about something or other and I had no copy to look at to figure it out. Thank god Brian and I were together and he helped me figure it out--which I will note that he often has to do after I do something too quickly.
2. Many of my first attempts at sewing projects end up having some major flaws since I like product rather than process. I have had to force myself to slow down when making things for other people or to sell but I always worry that I am still too careless.
3. Brian and I working on anything together is a chore. He likes to plan and talk about things, I will argue WAY too much, while I of course just want to get whatever it is done! Because we are so different in this way, working on anything together is difficult and frustrating. We do much better when we divide and conquer based on our relative strengths.
4. I am fearful of taking on any buisness veuture because the past has shown me that I am not good at managing the details necessary to any buisness. I have the creativity and skills to create the product, just not to manage it.
5. Living in the moment is almost non-existent for me. I live mostly in the future and this can be very frustrating and anxiety provoking.
6. I read books very quickly, but the whole experience is quite intense with the need to just get to the end and know what happens. I don't like waiting to know things--surprise, surprise.
I do want to add though that being impatient is an asset in some ways:
1. I make quick decisions and think on my feet very well, which was a great asset in my former life as a therapist.
2. I am task oriented and tend to get things done that I say I will or that I really want to get done.
3. I seek out new things to learn because I get bored quickly doing the same thing.
4. I can anticipate others' needs before they voice them because I am always thinking ahead--this is especially handy when it comes to parenting as I can prevent a meltdown before it happens (sometimes).
I am not sure what the conclusion is or if there really is one to be had. I know that this is a big part of my personality and that it would be difficult to change and so I may be stuck with it. It's a love/hate relationship people.
And now that I have rushed through the last part of this post just to get it done, I will publish it without spell check and only a very quick read-through. :)
I oscillate between thinking that I must change this quality--it has led to some problems that I can detail later--and thinking that I should embrace this part of me and just accept who I am. Oh, to finally accept oneself, now that would be grand wouldn't it? It sounds so easy writing it here. Maybe tomorrow I will wake and decide today is the day I accept all of who I am. But then I think, well where is the growth as a human specimen, where is the admitting my faults and striving to be a better me? Where is the struggle that Oprah and all her guests seemed to discuss? And would that mean giving up going to therapy and my identity as a damaged person? What would be left? Oh, I shudder to think of an ultra-positive, chi balancing, chakra aligning, spiritual awakening, steel cut oat eating, running daily for fun, watching only PBS Teja walking around Iowa City. But I digress...
So, as promised, I will give a few examples of how this impatient quality causes problems in my life:
1. One year I was so impatient about just sending off my taxes (this was back when Brian didn't do mine) that I didn't make a copy for myself. And because of my impatience, I also made mistakes on my tax return and was later sent a letter asking for details about something or other and I had no copy to look at to figure it out. Thank god Brian and I were together and he helped me figure it out--which I will note that he often has to do after I do something too quickly.
2. Many of my first attempts at sewing projects end up having some major flaws since I like product rather than process. I have had to force myself to slow down when making things for other people or to sell but I always worry that I am still too careless.
3. Brian and I working on anything together is a chore. He likes to plan and talk about things, I will argue WAY too much, while I of course just want to get whatever it is done! Because we are so different in this way, working on anything together is difficult and frustrating. We do much better when we divide and conquer based on our relative strengths.
4. I am fearful of taking on any buisness veuture because the past has shown me that I am not good at managing the details necessary to any buisness. I have the creativity and skills to create the product, just not to manage it.
5. Living in the moment is almost non-existent for me. I live mostly in the future and this can be very frustrating and anxiety provoking.
6. I read books very quickly, but the whole experience is quite intense with the need to just get to the end and know what happens. I don't like waiting to know things--surprise, surprise.
I do want to add though that being impatient is an asset in some ways:
1. I make quick decisions and think on my feet very well, which was a great asset in my former life as a therapist.
2. I am task oriented and tend to get things done that I say I will or that I really want to get done.
3. I seek out new things to learn because I get bored quickly doing the same thing.
4. I can anticipate others' needs before they voice them because I am always thinking ahead--this is especially handy when it comes to parenting as I can prevent a meltdown before it happens (sometimes).
I am not sure what the conclusion is or if there really is one to be had. I know that this is a big part of my personality and that it would be difficult to change and so I may be stuck with it. It's a love/hate relationship people.
And now that I have rushed through the last part of this post just to get it done, I will publish it without spell check and only a very quick read-through. :)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Life of an Imposter
In my first post to this blog, I wanted to explain a little the reason for the name, "Life of an Imposter." The name comes from a perpetual feeling of never really belonging--a feeling of being between worlds, never quite meeting the criteria for any, yet belonging, in some ways, to all. I guess one could argue that this is true of everyone to some degree and it probably is. For me, this feeling has always been strong, even if I couldn't quite place it as a child, and has only increased into adulthood.
This blog is an attempt to explore that feeling and how it is both a symptom of my own issues and of the culture we live in--sometimes it is difficult to separate the two. As I grew into adulthood and became part of the white, educated, middle-class living in a town that considers itself quite open and liberal--I have struggled even more with where I fit in this equation. Becoming a parent, and one who stays at home, has made the waters murkier and many days I feel adrift, disconnected, and isolated.
This is not for lack of trying. I continuously try to connect to others and develop friendships but it is hard for me here. Historically making close and lasting friendships had never been an issue, but I would say that many of my friendships in the past were based on dysfunction (theirs and mine) so that can hardly be a road map for now. For me, I need to feel connected to someone on a deeper level than talking about today's yoga class, the benefits of buying organic, or my favorite pastry at the Bread Garden. And I realize that not every interaction is going to be deep and full filling, nor is every relationship, but when the majority of interactions include such posturing, you feel like you never really get to know people and for me that feels like being alone. As a caveat, I will say that I have a couple friends that this does not hold true for, but unfortunately those friends are ones I don't get to see much because of the business of having small children and the fact that they work and I stay home.
In the world of Facebook and Blogs, it seems like the distance between people is larger rather than smaller. Social media allows people to create a brand for themselves by conveying the image they want others to see, which of course means discussing things that have high social currency depending on who your audience is. In Iowa City, that often means discussing the elaborate meals you cook, the crafty things you make, touting local events, posting pictures of your beautiful and loving family at the apple orchard, maple syrup festival, library, etc. I am guilty of all of these things and will maintain that it is not inherently wrong to post these kinds of things--what is difficult about these posts is that what others hear about your life is only the great moments--much like pictures in an album where it would be odd to see a photo of a parent putting their child in time out or someone crying when they found out their mother died. It is in these moments where life is challenging that we have the greatest opportunity to connect. The focus on positivity seems more harmful than helpful. I want to hear about your bad day, your mistakes, your struggles, your history and how you came to be who you are now--I want to know your story--good, bad, and ugly. I just want the full picture. Maybe the problem is that social media isn't intended to be more than creating a personality because divulging too much to the long list of "friends" would seem ridiculous when many of these "friends" aren't really that at all. So I consider deleting my facebook page and not writing or reading blogs but then I feel like I'd be missing something--I'd lose some valuable way to connect and share, that I somehow managed to live without for 31 years, and it would be one more way I was out of the loop and didn't belong. What a conundrum eh?
I guess, after all this rambling, I still didn't manage to explain why I feel between worlds. Probably because that topic is more personal and intimidating (see how hypocritical I am being here!). Another day perhaps...
This blog is an attempt to explore that feeling and how it is both a symptom of my own issues and of the culture we live in--sometimes it is difficult to separate the two. As I grew into adulthood and became part of the white, educated, middle-class living in a town that considers itself quite open and liberal--I have struggled even more with where I fit in this equation. Becoming a parent, and one who stays at home, has made the waters murkier and many days I feel adrift, disconnected, and isolated.
This is not for lack of trying. I continuously try to connect to others and develop friendships but it is hard for me here. Historically making close and lasting friendships had never been an issue, but I would say that many of my friendships in the past were based on dysfunction (theirs and mine) so that can hardly be a road map for now. For me, I need to feel connected to someone on a deeper level than talking about today's yoga class, the benefits of buying organic, or my favorite pastry at the Bread Garden. And I realize that not every interaction is going to be deep and full filling, nor is every relationship, but when the majority of interactions include such posturing, you feel like you never really get to know people and for me that feels like being alone. As a caveat, I will say that I have a couple friends that this does not hold true for, but unfortunately those friends are ones I don't get to see much because of the business of having small children and the fact that they work and I stay home.
In the world of Facebook and Blogs, it seems like the distance between people is larger rather than smaller. Social media allows people to create a brand for themselves by conveying the image they want others to see, which of course means discussing things that have high social currency depending on who your audience is. In Iowa City, that often means discussing the elaborate meals you cook, the crafty things you make, touting local events, posting pictures of your beautiful and loving family at the apple orchard, maple syrup festival, library, etc. I am guilty of all of these things and will maintain that it is not inherently wrong to post these kinds of things--what is difficult about these posts is that what others hear about your life is only the great moments--much like pictures in an album where it would be odd to see a photo of a parent putting their child in time out or someone crying when they found out their mother died. It is in these moments where life is challenging that we have the greatest opportunity to connect. The focus on positivity seems more harmful than helpful. I want to hear about your bad day, your mistakes, your struggles, your history and how you came to be who you are now--I want to know your story--good, bad, and ugly. I just want the full picture. Maybe the problem is that social media isn't intended to be more than creating a personality because divulging too much to the long list of "friends" would seem ridiculous when many of these "friends" aren't really that at all. So I consider deleting my facebook page and not writing or reading blogs but then I feel like I'd be missing something--I'd lose some valuable way to connect and share, that I somehow managed to live without for 31 years, and it would be one more way I was out of the loop and didn't belong. What a conundrum eh?
I guess, after all this rambling, I still didn't manage to explain why I feel between worlds. Probably because that topic is more personal and intimidating (see how hypocritical I am being here!). Another day perhaps...
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