Life of an Imposter

In my first post to this blog, I wanted to explain a little the reason for the name, "Life of an Imposter."  The name comes from a perpetual feeling of never really belonging--a feeling of being between worlds, never quite meeting the criteria for any, yet belonging, in some ways, to all.  I guess one could argue that this is true of everyone to some degree and it probably is.  For me, this feeling has always been strong, even if I couldn't quite place it as a child, and has only increased into adulthood.

This blog is an attempt to explore that feeling and how it is both a symptom of my own issues and of the culture we live in--sometimes it is difficult to separate the two.  As I grew into adulthood and became part of the white, educated, middle-class living in a town that considers itself quite open and liberal--I have struggled even more with where I fit in this equation.  Becoming a parent, and one who stays at home, has made the waters murkier and many days I feel adrift, disconnected, and isolated. 

This is not for lack of trying.  I continuously try to connect to others and develop friendships but it is hard for me here.  Historically making close and lasting friendships had never been an issue, but I would say that many of my friendships in the past were based on dysfunction (theirs and mine) so that can hardly be a road map for now.  For me, I need to feel connected to someone on a deeper level than talking about today's yoga class, the benefits of buying organic, or my favorite pastry at the Bread Garden.  And I realize that not every interaction is going to be deep and full filling, nor is every relationship, but when the majority of interactions include such posturing, you feel like you never really get to know people and for me that feels like being alone.  As a caveat, I will say that I have a couple friends that this does not hold true for, but unfortunately those friends are ones I don't get to see much because of the business of having small children and the fact that they work and I stay home.

In the world of Facebook and Blogs, it seems like the distance between people is larger rather than smaller.   Social media allows people to create a brand for themselves by conveying the image they want others to see, which of course means discussing things that have high social currency depending on who your audience is.  In Iowa City, that often means discussing the elaborate meals you cook, the crafty things you make, touting local events, posting pictures of your beautiful and loving family at the apple orchard, maple syrup festival, library, etc.  I am guilty of all of these things and will maintain that it is not inherently wrong to post these kinds of things--what is difficult about these posts is that what others hear about your life is only the great moments--much like pictures in an album where it would be odd to see a photo of a parent putting their child in time out or someone crying when they found out their mother died.  It is in these moments where life is challenging that we have the greatest opportunity to connect.  The focus on positivity seems more harmful than helpful.  I want to hear about your bad day, your mistakes, your struggles, your history and how you came to be who you are now--I want to know your story--good, bad, and ugly.   I just want the full picture.  Maybe the problem is that social media isn't intended to be more than creating a personality because divulging too much to the long list of "friends" would seem ridiculous when many of these "friends" aren't really that at all.  So I consider deleting my facebook page and not writing or reading blogs but then I feel like I'd be missing something--I'd lose some valuable way to connect and share, that I somehow managed to live without for 31 years, and it would be one more way I was out of the loop and didn't belong.  What a conundrum eh?


I guess, after all this rambling, I still didn't manage to explain why I feel between worlds.  Probably because that topic is more personal and intimidating (see how hypocritical I am being here!).  Another day perhaps...