Always in a Hurry

It is just in the last year that I figured out what an impatient person I am.  When it finally dawned on me that this word describes me so fittingly, my husband looked surprised that I didn't already know this.  I like things to be done.  Everything in my head is a checklist that I want cleared of tasks.  Being that life is one task after another, the insanity of trying to finish EVERYTHING is obviously irrational yet still I try day after day to catch up to myself somehow and just be done.  When people talk about "the process" being full filling, my mind wanders.  I would love it if the process was enjoyable and relaxing to me but I only feel relief when a project is finished, but then there is always another project and so the process starts all over.  Sound stressful?  It is.  I am sure that this is all tied in with my anxiety, as I am a highly anxious person, or with the fact that I strive for constant order in my life as a way for dealing with the chaos that is in my head.   I would diagnose this as 50/50 nature/nurture.

I oscillate between thinking that I must change this quality--it has led to some problems that I can detail later--and thinking that I should embrace this part of me and just accept who I am.  Oh, to finally accept oneself, now that would be grand wouldn't it?  It sounds so easy writing it here.  Maybe tomorrow I will wake and decide today is the day I accept all of who I am.  But then I think, well where is the growth as a human specimen, where is the admitting my faults and striving to be a better me?  Where is the struggle that Oprah and all her guests seemed to discuss?  And would that mean giving up going to therapy and my identity as a damaged person?  What would be left?  Oh, I shudder to think of an ultra-positive, chi balancing, chakra aligning, spiritual awakening, steel cut oat eating, running daily for fun, watching only PBS Teja walking around Iowa City.  But I digress...

So, as promised, I will give a few examples of how this impatient quality causes problems in my life:

1.  One year I was so impatient about just sending off my taxes (this was back when Brian didn't do mine) that I didn't make a copy for myself.  And because of my impatience, I also made mistakes on my tax return and was later sent a letter asking for details about something or other and I had no copy to look at to figure it out.  Thank god Brian and I were together and he helped me figure it out--which I will note that he often has to do after I do something too quickly.

2.  Many of my first attempts at sewing projects end up having some major flaws since I like product rather than process.  I have had to force myself to slow down when making things for other people or to sell but I always worry that I am still too careless.

3.  Brian and I working on anything together is a chore.  He likes to plan and talk about things, I will argue WAY too much, while I of course just want to get whatever it is done!   Because we are so different in this way, working on anything together is difficult and frustrating.  We do much better when we divide and conquer based on our relative strengths.

4.  I am fearful of taking on any buisness veuture because the past has shown me that I am not good at managing the details necessary to any buisness.  I have the creativity and skills to create the product, just not to manage it.

5.  Living in the moment is almost non-existent for me.  I live mostly in the future and this can be very frustrating and anxiety provoking.

6.  I read books very quickly, but the whole experience is quite intense with the need to just get to the end and know what happens.  I don't like waiting to know things--surprise, surprise.

I do want to add though that being impatient is an asset in some ways:

1. I make quick decisions and think on my feet very well, which was a great asset in my former life as a therapist.

2.  I am task oriented and tend to get things done that I say I will or that I really want to get done.

3.  I seek out new things to learn because I get bored quickly doing the same thing.

4.  I can anticipate others' needs before they voice them because I am always thinking ahead--this is especially handy when it comes to parenting as I can prevent a meltdown before it happens (sometimes).

I am not sure what the conclusion is or if there really is one to be had.  I know that this is a big part of my personality and that it would be difficult to change and so I may be stuck with it.  It's a love/hate relationship people.

And now that I have rushed through the last part of this post just to get it done, I will publish it without spell check and only a very quick read-through.  :)