Though I hope that during this blog I've been able to convey my immense love and respect for my mom, not just the struggles between us, I am not sure I've been able to do her justice as of yet so here is my attempt to do so.
Growing up my mom was my shining star. I loved her so intensely and completely and wanted to be just like her when I grew up. She is the most hilarious person I know (though sometimes at other people's expense). She is very quick-witted and highly intelligent so getting into a fight with her is literally a losing battle. She taught me to be empathic and extremely sensitive to others' feelings, through her own struggles and through watching her in action when it came caring for the most marginalized in our society. She took risks, lost jobs, and wore herself thin in order to advocate for those who could not do so themselves--maybe because she often had felt the same and wished someone was fighting for her. She was my hero and still is in many ways. I am not near as courageous as she is but I do have a tendency to create waves if I feel something is unjust and it makes me feel proud to know that I am at least a little like her in this way.
It's hard to describe the kind of mom she was. She was complicated, still is complicated, but back then I saw her as infallible, larger than life, which I guess many of us probably do when it comes to our parents. She is beautiful. I never have doubted one moment that she loved me. She worked several jobs sometimes just to keep us afloat financially and still managed to be involved in every aspect of our lives. She worked hard, non-stop, while also dealing with her own demons. Her body has taken a beating, literally and figuratively, her whole life and she somehow has kept going. She has been victimized in every way possible, so many times, that it makes my heart sick to even think about. She is truly a survivor and I am grateful that she continues to go on in the face of so much pain, though I know for her the choice has not always been so easy.
What I am the most sad about is that this is a woman who is amazing and who could've had a different life had her childhood been different. I have been angry with her but never once have I felt that the outcome of our relationship was her fault, or even her parents' fault, or their parents' fault. Well, OK, so I have blamed her parents at times but I know that they are the product of their environment too and so how do you blame any one person when it is just a cycle of dysfunction? The main point here to take away is that though my mom had a very dysfunctional childhood, she managed to come out of that with an amazing determination to do better for her kids. And she did. And it wasn't perfect by any means and some of the damage done to her had an impact on us, but she did better than she knew how--by a million degrees.
I am sitting here thinking of so many memories of her and I really miss how I saw her when I was a little girl. It was so much simpler then. I think I always understood her, from a very young age, but not necessarily how that translated into my relationship with her, especially as I grew into my own person. It is nice to think back and I try to do it once in awhile, but it is hard too. I just want her to know that I love her, have always loved her, and that I want only good things for her. I would take away all the pain she has experienced if I could and let her have some real peace--she deserves at least that.
I love you mom.
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