It has been a long time since I've written. I have been thinking a lot about why that is and I think that it comes from feeling too exposed and what that brings with it. Being open about this aspect of my life--and I am referring mainly to my childhood relationships here--brings up a lot of emotions that I sometimes would rather avoid. Self-preservation is the name of the game folks. But aside from that, I think it is also the feedback that sometimes comes with being exposed. The wonderful thing about technology is that I can write in the confines of my own safe space without facing the reader. Once I am faced with someone who has actually read it I feel very vulnerable and awkward. The other issue is that sometimes people, well-meaning of course, have advice or thoughts on how I can move forward in my life. And I think that maybe people just want you to be happier or they think that they have answers that you don't or maybe they are just uncomfortable with your (their) sadness. I find myself this way with my children at times--it is hard watching someone you care about go through tough emotions. And writing this, I am reminding myself that sometimes just being a witness and really hearing someone's story is healing enough. I wish that I could let people live in my head for a day, especially a day like today, that is full of triggers and anxiety and absolute dread in the pit of my stomach and help them to understand that, though I try to control all of these things, my brain and body often react in ways that I can not control. And I want to find a way to figure it out--I have tried many things and will continue to do so--but I do feel helpless at times like this. Thankfully I have days that are much better than today and for that I am grateful.
But on to the real purpose of this post....
The last three days have brought on a barrage of texts from my mom--in the past it would have been days of voice mails but, once again, technology has come to the rescue and expanded opportunities for families to connect. There is a context to all of this that I will get to in a minute, but first I feel it necessary to say that I sincerely thought that if this happened again I would be able to handle it. And I guess if I am comparing apples to apples, I would say that I am doing better than I would have in the past--but then again this assault of texts is mild compared to what it has been in the past so maybe comparisons don't work here.
Remember when I talked about triggers earlier? Well, welcome to a very obvious and direct trigger of my appropriately named "Complex PTSD." I think the complex part makes me sound more sophisticated, don't you? This is much easier to explain than all those other pesky subtle triggers that are unexpected or nonsensical. What is this Complex PTSD you ask? Well here is a link for your bedtime reading: http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/CPTSD.html
I realize now that it is getting late and so this is going to have to be a 2-part blog. Oh, the suspense. I have to tell you that I already feel a little better after writing so that is the whole point right? I promise to finish this story soon if you'll promise to read it...
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