For the Life of Me...

Over the past several months, my 4 year old son has slowly begun asking questions about death.  It started when I was talking about my grandmother, who died several years ago, and he wanted to know if we could visit her.  I explained that she had died, which was the first time he heard of such a concept and he was confused.  The next time the subject came up it was after watching a YouTube video of Janis Joplin.  Again, he wanted to know where she was and I explained that she had died.  Several days later, as we sat talking, he asked if he could see her dying.  He wanted to know what it meant to be dead and was searching for answers in his little 4 year old mind.  I told him I didn't think there were pictures like that.

As the last several weeks have progressed there have been more and more conversations like these where he asks questions like, "Do we celebrate Hanukkah?  Do dead people still wiggle?  What world are dead people in?  Where do you go when you die?" and the worst being, "You and Daddy are going to die."  "Why do you think that?," I ask.  "Because you are old," he replies.  "We aren't THAT old. People can live a really long time."

Each time we have one of these conversations he seems to contemplate it for a few days before new questions and insights arise.  I think this is a good place to state that my son is very bright--and I know every mother thinks that about her child--but I am saying this because I have no doubts it is true and because everyone who has gotten to know him is shocked by the things he knows and thinks about.  He is this funny, social butterfly (I call him the absent-minded professor) that you'd never guess was so smart unless you quizzed him on facts about the solar system, human body, or asked him to read to you.  His memory is phenomenal and his ability to think abstractly about things started quite young.  My point being that he seems to really get things that another child his age may not and he asks questions that I am not prepared for.

The latest entry into our conversation about death and dying came this weekend while leaving the fabric store.  This was when he asked about dead people wiggling and where they go when they die.  I explained that dead people can't wiggle because their hearts are no longer beating and they don't need oxygen anymore and so their body is done--man did that feel harsh coming out of my mouth.  I proceeded to tell him about cemeteries and burial vs. cremation.  Then came the hardest part...the God discussion.  My husband and I are both atheists and have no belief in a higher power.  Believe me, I wish I did believe as it would make the idea of life and death much more comforting, but I just don't.  I have always known this would come up with my kids but I just didn't think it would be so soon.  My belief is that you should let your children chose who they want to be, while obviously guiding them towards being pro-social, good human beings, but leaving the big decisions up to them, which is precisely what I told my son.  I told him briefly about the idea of God and Heaven and that many people believe in this and that he can chose to also as he gets older and learns more but that daddy and I didn't believe in God and Heaven but instead that once people die their bodies are done and they live on in the memories of those who loved them and miss them.

In trying to help his little mind sort all of this out, we went to the Unitarian Church in town to assess their religious education program as we want him to become an educated citizen about all things so that he can make the best decisions for himself in the future.  He is too young for the program at this point, but we will be making an effort to take him to play with other kids at the church and see parts of the services so he gets what we view as the one positive of organized religion and that is the community it can create.  UU churches are known for being accepting of all beliefs, even the belief that there is no higher power, and so we can go there as parents without the pressure to conform to something that is not what we believe.  I have checked him out books from the library about World Religions and we continue to have discussions about life after death or the lack thereof.  These are very difficult discussions for me being that I am very afraid of death and I am trying my hardest not to convey that to my child who I want to feel differently about it than I do.  Of course to him, the idea of Heaven sounds much more comforting than what we believe, as it does even to me, and so I tell him that he can believe whatever he chooses but that his daddy and I just want him to keep learning as he grows and when he becomes "big" like us, it is up to him to make those decisions.  

Being a parent is such a difficult task with so many different things you are trying to convey to your children about who you want them to become while also letting them become who they want to be.  It's a delicate balance and I hope that we are able to walk the line with grace so that he and his brother always know that it is okay to be whoever they want to be and we will love them, without hesitation, through it all.